DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT,
What are all these spikes doing in the levels of my video games? Every time I touch them my cartoon dies. -PLEASE HELP
DEAR HELP: Spikes kill you. Do your best not to touch them. Ever. I know sometimes you can't help it. Spikes come up from the floor, poke out of walls, they can even stick out of a cute turtle's shell (don't touch that turtle no matter how tempting). Instead, try jumping over these pokey inconveniences. If some death machine comes mashing down on your head with a bouquet of death triangles, try crouching. I know from personal experience that it can be very discouraging when your cartoon dies; but be patient, preserve, and don't ever give up ever!
DEAR VIDEO GAME EXPERT is a non-syndicated joke that provides commonly uncommon common sense advice about video games from a youthful perspective. Track my Twitter behavior on Twitter @marshnaylor